Parenting with chronic pain

Statistics show a huge number of Australian parents are in this position. Unfortunately chronic pain changes the way parents would normally behave if they were pain-free. The unintended consequences of this are felt by children.  

Mums and dads seem to intuitively understand that parenting with chronic pain is not an ideal situation. The GPI reports 3 out of 5 of parents believe they’d be better parents if they suffered less body pain and 58% people were aware of the adverse affect pain played on their moods. The figures are probably true for grandparents too.  

According to Voltaren’s Global Pain Index (GPI) 93% of people feel negative emotions when they experience body pain. The pain zaps the body’s energy further compounded by the mental effort required to carry on with the day. There is less space to process emotions so a quickness to anger, stress and worry spill into personal interactions. Everyone can relate to experiencing these flow on effects of pain at some point in their lives. However, with (chronic) pain that doesn’t go away there is a need for people to be mindful how their behaviors change and the repercussions affecting their families and children.

Several studies (see further reading) have found parental pain leads to over reactive parenting and lax parenting strategies. The relationship with the child alters; they may become young carers, or they feel feel responsibility for the pain and become unwilling to burden parents with their own feelings. Conduct problems are witnessed in school years, especially with girls. Where the children didn’t find friends or adult confidantes to share with, a risk for depression and mental health issues increased. The same children are also more likely to experience chronic pain themselves as adults.

For parents with chronic pain, it is important be aware that their pain is directly linked to health and well-being outcomes for the children they are raising. With this in mind families can adopt strategies mediate negative consequences.

Here are some ideas to begin tackling the issues:

• The parent in pain should receive adequate medical support, whether it is from a GP, specialist, physiotherapist or other professionals.
• Educate the child about your pain in an age-appropriate way. Include topics from how it started, where the pain is located, what it feels like and how it is here to stay. Explain how that your body can’t do the same actions as other parents and that is why you come across as cross and tired sometimes.
• Don’t ignore the pain and pretend there is nothing wrong. No matter how hard you try to hide pain, a little person will still pick up on the signs that something is amiss, however they won’t understand why and may blame themselves.  
• Talk to your children about what is going through their mind. Children interpret life differently from adults and they may ruminate over what is a misunderstanding. The only way to find out what they are thinking is to ask and listen patiently.
• Let the child help you with the small things so they feel valued and important e.g. fetching a blanket or making a cup of tea. When they can make you feel better, they will feel happier.
• Plan ahead for events as much as possible. Book a ride to and from events, schedule rest time before and after and let the host know your expected departure time to avoid pressure to stay on.  

Further reading:

Articles:
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/parenting-through-chronic-physical-pain/282543/

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2015/01/parenting_with_chronic_pain.html

Studies:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jnu.12037/abstract
http://www.jpain.org/article/S1526-5900%2805%2900959-4/abstract
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25232862